Your Last Home

by Noll Griffin

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credits

released June 9, 2017

produced by babyalligator, noll griffin, and gavin mcisaac

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Noll Griffin Berlin, Germany

The body at the bottom of the haunted lake says hello.

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Track Name: Pacific Coast Postcard
I'm clutching at my stomach only two drinks in outside the flower shop.
Glitter hangs in vomit waves, both those pink cosmos in the craters of my boots,
Laced in double knots.
And I'm so happy but what's the use?
I'd say it here even if it wasn't true.
All the stars are dead above the bars and our stories overflow in the vestigial light.
Everyone's pushing past the one who dares claim to be something they don't even like.
But I'm still happy aren't I? This is all I wanna do.
In the garment's fist I'm squeezing out each exhalation.
Baby-faced and chasing overstimulation.
I'll be a virgin to the scalpels in my dreams of surgery.
I'm so ugly here right now on either side they cross the street.
Give me an expert with a blueprint and at least a month or two.
I'll be back again, potential friends, and make some sense to you.
Thank you for the doctor's note, I'm looking forward to the knife.
Thank you for the letterhead that lets them know to save my life.
Thank you for the bouncers that only check the age, no other market.
But I hate you all looking away, you want me more if I'm a martyr.
I'll be a virgin to the scalpels in my dreams of surgery.
I'm so weird I think right now, on either side they cross the street.
Give me insurance, no exclusions, and at least a month or two.
I'll be back again, and after then, I'll make some sense to you.
Track Name: Smaller Than
My hands are smaller than the mess I found them in.
Scratch your ideas, warning labels on my skin.
My lungs are smaller than the words I have to use
To shape and soothe a phantom wreck.
Spinning out anemic blues and slender neck,
I'm never eager to describe the truth, I know what's next.
Bleed once for them, for yes, and bleed a little more
Cuz' you're the guest.
They only love the host, the anxious twitch of
Righteous flesh.
Can't be elastic past a moment at your birth for them,
And kindness turns to grieving far more easily than they say.
Why would I ever want it when you made it feel this way?
No chance to lay my willful life below a painless name.
Why isn't it scandalous to walk me to the edge?
All I hear is how I form a waste, a defect.
All my needs are broken vessels to be pressed,
By your hands, begin the bruise, ready and violent
With all your lies you're casting wide, hoping they come true.
I owe nothing if I'm nothing next to you.
No more courtesy is ever getting through.
I've gotten bigger than the places left to hide.
Give me a cupboard with a door too tight to pry.
Give me a shadow in the dark to walk behind.
I'll beg the devil if your god won't take a side.
I'll beg the devil if your god is dead inside,
Motionless and powerless just like you'd have me be,
In decomposing purgatory for eternity.
Track Name: Sick Bay
I turn in my spirit, a body to use
For the gentle mouths of waiting rooms,
Lapping the flesh that hangs from me.
Fertile in wisdom, painfully
Dreaming a blaze of needle sparks
And sterile light rinsing out my arms.
Withered cells in isolation, living out an accident.
They held me up by poison IVs, the scientific sacrament.
For damage unfamiliar, will the wires ever rest?
Playing organs emptied, no one will give me mercy yet.
Whispers of interest flake my skull,
Freakishly naked through it all.
Bitter and liquid, I'm held down,
Running but swallowed in their gowns.
So hang in your masks, all holy white
And gibbous with gloves to ease the night.
Under the gauze I'm on a pin,
A fading mayfly caving in.
In paradise the dead will rise, the dead will rise.
In paradise the dead will rise and here I'll lie.
Track Name: Partners In Dust
I don't need the phases of the moon,
I need your pupils waxing pools of ink for me.
You're always robbing me to write out runes of victory.
I'm drunk on drained out oceans, swallowing the darkness in your room.
I don't want the wrinkled sheets alight with morning soon.
I want our shadows to hover mouth to mouth and scream
Into the pillow when your scalding shower drains away my dream.
We're not well when we're together. Every living thing can tell
I'm dying for you.
My lungs collapse around collected artifacts
When the black hole you were born in pulls you back.
Earthly bodies fail you, nights exposed are getting old
And the space you need between us now is freezing cold.
I burn away the bitter ways you lace the lustful through my frame.
You're gone, you're really gone, oh god you're fucking with me now.
I flee the museum amber stillness, dancing beams of dust around
I want you and I'm wounded in your way,
Weak in the headlights of your name
Carve the starlight from my cradled ribs, collect it all.
Dissolve it in your fist. You have your reasons not to call.
My despair will only sparkle at the bottom of your mind
And break the surface when your hands get restless for my heat sometime.

I look for our initials fading fast in every foggy mirror.
I worry with receipts for things you'd wear next time you're here.
I leave a trail of scratches you can follow up my spine.
I check your horoscope before mine.
Track Name: Names in a Hat
Whatever they keep calling you as a collar they can grab on to
When they want to cull your confidence,
If I ever hear that noise again the threats will surface sharp and then
Fits of clawing panic instead of being a better friend.
But it's been gone so long to me, a hundred bloodlines deep
Backwards in your family's bored intentions.
The timbre won't turn into fear, syllables invited here
And now you crack a grin to hold your name,
The nicest one you've found today.
In your bright apartment later, tearing slips of scrapbook paper,
Scrawl the things you'd like to hear and I'll repeat them while I'm here.
Under your clearance comforter pinned up across the furniture,
Misshapen stitches forming faces, ones that we'd allow to stay
Cuz' they're not asking
"Are you sure? What exactly are you ARE YOU SURE?"
Who cares how we're pronounced at birth?
What are the years of loathing worth?
But it's been gone so long to me, a hundred bloodlines deep
Backwards in your family's bored intentions.
The timbre won't turn into fear, syllables invited here
And now you crack a grin to hold your name,
The nicest one you've found today.
Track Name: Stage Blood
All our acts of love are stained and drowned in stage blood.
Breaking tension at the wrist, attention's not enough.
I feel you hanging from the lines when all is done.
But I listened to your song when I slept on and off.
You only sounded out one word and there I lost a month
To try and haunt you, try and haunt you.
I'd be your perfect mirror in miniature, you see?
If you were only scared to break me more than you have been.
I'd be your perfect mirror in miniature, you see?
If you were only scared to break me more than you have been.
All our acts of love are running fog machines,
Billowing in lights that darken after scenes.
Everything's disappearing just as easily.
You scratch the notes out, you lose your hair.
I watch from a distance, I learn to share.
But I really don't want to. I don't want to.
And I go around pretending I don't want you.
All I wanted was a part to run through.
All I wanted wasn't mine to cling to,
But I still do.
I'd be your perfect mirror in miniature, you see?
If you were only scared to break me more than you have been.
I'd be your perfect mirror in miniature, you see?
If you were only scared to break me more than you have been.
Track Name: Impatient Zero
The red lipstick rim around your fist,
Drawn-on face, stronger cocktails make it fine to laugh at it.
The marker isn't permanent, or the fingers lacquered black.
Just a hint with no regrets.
The model cadaver in fitted slacks.
When you look behind, what do you see? What do you see?
Was it better then to lose your time quietly, quietly?
I get betrayed by little bones whittled like an ugly joke,
Tongued maliciously to life.
An apparition, an oil slick
Traveling across a caustic sea of raw anatomy,
Staggering in baggy clothes.
When I look behind, that wasn't me, that wasn't me.
And I feel it even if no one agrees, no one agrees.
When you look ahead, what do you see, what do you see?
If you've given up is it better now?
Do you really think you're not struggling?
We are buried in our bodies either way.
We are buried in our bodies.
But I know how I want mine today.
Track Name: Sea of Trees
Followed your letters to the leaves,
Praying for a ghost in ringing pleas.
I will fail, trailing slower.
Forgotten fire circles far ahead,
Guiltless for the kindling they've been fed.
I thought I'd get closer.
I'm sorry love is never loud enough,
Waking in the wings of falling fledglings
I'm sorry I did not feel you give up
When there was no way to listen.
I thought I'd get closure.
I'm not getting closure.
Followed your letters to the leaves,
Praying for a ghost in ringing pleas.
Track Name: The Rose Room
I fill the sink with salt and mix perfume in the water
I fear the length of years.
I guess they think I forgot her.
Track Name: Constellations
Did you rip out all the stitches hoisting images above?
In your spinning storm, in sticky flashes swarming at your form.
But if you crawled out bleeding there could be a pulse by morning
And a lighter in your first to torch a broken story.
Then you rise, beautiful, you rise.
The world I promise you dissolves in its desire
With constellations crawling back together, trailing cords of light
To let your name come flaming back to life.
All the time, when you wake up worried on the other side,
A wilder sea of stars is yours to mystify.
But look at how you've parted mine.
If you want to fill the air with truth,
It will listen, closely as I do.
If you want to feel their eyes on you,
They're so dizzy gazing your way too.
If you want to make them ache for you,
They already love you like I do.
They already love you like I do.
Track Name: Once Ascended
Flanks of buildings, cement shoulders
Crack and freckle as it comes.
Lucent gilding to our windows
And I witness bridges wake.

Could I wail back to that distance?
Filled foundations want your hand.
Vivid landings carry over.
Colors run, we understand.
But we'll be here, once ascended,
Almost touching where we stand.
We've got all this in the meantime.
Track Name: Window Star New York
I don't think I wanted you to change my mind.
I don't think I ever thought it through if you'd be kind.
Waiting in a winter moon's reflective eye,
Across from a window's hanging star and it's almost time.
For days I've been reckless, clothes and records all in boxes back home.
Running my ass off to a better place in front of you where heroes turn into
Glitter ghosts.
Now I'm scared for us, we wear the same damn shoes.
I wanna be with you. I wanna hold you way too close.
Now I'm scared, you consider me so carefully
But you've got no use for me and comparing injuries.
Turn with a wave and I'll never forget the parallels between us.
But I can't promise to never hurt myself again on purpose.
Not when the asphalt stings my scrapes, tripping downstairs
Out of body on the subway.
Not when the nearest high-rise harmonizes with the words my illness
Will always say.
Come on, you could.
Come on, you should.
Come on. Come on.
I don't think I learned the news I wanted to.
Life outside the atmosphere I'm leaving, is it true?
The signs were streaking through the flare of traffic lights
And in the borrowed bed that held my heart all night.
You know I'm there but I'm ashamed to yell your name,
Honeyed with ardency when I'm standing in your way.
You're staring deep into my frozen lake of grief,
Devoid of all the things that would've made me worthy someday.
Turn with your wave and I'll never forget the lovely possibilities between us.
But I can't promise not to hurt myself again on purpose.
Not when I find the skyline so full of ideas,
Bringing out a breathless urge to finally float away.
Not when the wrenching heights here harmonize
With the words my illness will always say.
Come on, you could!
Come on, you should!
Come on, you could!
Come on, you should.
I thought my knees would fail right under me, turned in the keys
And dragged my bruises off the floor.
Remembering your eyes to slam this morbid door inside,
Smiling into mine a while.
And I cried with my suitcase by my side on the bus ride
All the way to Baltimore
Until I couldn't anymore.